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Dec 162013

Having been involved for nearly 10 years in the online “support” for victims of offenders, abusers and psychopaths, I have come to understand that it is an unfortunate reality that many of the very people who pretend to be “supportive” of victims, are themselves abusers, who use their “supportive” sites as money making enterprises, to either sell their books, or to get “fees” for “helping” victims.

Now as a retired medical and mental health professional, I realize that everyone, even a therapist, must make a living and I am not one for “muzzling the ox that treads the grain” and saying that all people in the helping profession should do it entirely for free.

However, my first experience with an online support group was run by “Doctor” Sam Vaknin, who is a self admitted Narcissist. However, his “degree” is a fake, and the main object of the web sites he owned were to sell his books about Narcissistic and Psychopathic people and how to survive their abuse.

I had been on that Vaknin site for some time, and the “Moderators” of the site were frequently attacking me if I even MENTIONED that I was a Christian…their reason being “that some people who have been abused by religious people may be offende4.” However, if a person came on and touted the benefit of Wicca religion, or using tarot cards and fortune tellers, that was allowed. HUH?  Then Sam Vaknin himself wrote an article entitled “Jesus was a Narcissist” in which he “proved” that Jesus was a narcissistic fake. I commented on the article and it was taken down shortly after that, but it started to give me a heads up that Sam Vaknin might not be as squeaky clean as he presented. So I did a bit of research and then left his site.

I found another “supportive” site and posted on there for a while, even went to writing articles for that site. Then someone did a documentary on Sam Vaknin called I psychopath, (you might want to go and watch that film it is very instructive)  http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/i-psychopath/ in which Sam’s true colors were well demonstrated and his past life of crime and prison were highlighted,  he sure did know about psychopaths, because he WAS ONE.

I  posted on other “supportive” sites, but I also saw that there were definitely some disordered people on these sites as well. Now it is difficult enough in face to face contact with a psychopath or con-person to see through the mask of “nice” that they present, and on line, the only contact you have is how they write. Since 90% or more of communication is really NON VERBAL it is extremely difficult to determine if someone on line is conning you.

There have even been cases of “cat-fishing”  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=catfish  where a person deliberately pretends to be someone they are not in order to con another person into “falling in love” with them in order to pull off a financial or other scam. Sometimes it is simply for the sheer joy of conning someone.

I  noticed even in one “supportive site” hosted by PhDs who were “experts” in psychopathy in their fields, were themselves unable to recognize a psychopath unless it was in prison stripes. The 501c non profit attached to this particular site was named after and hosted by one of the REAL experts, but he didn’t take hands on day to day control of it and one of the PhDs  who did the day-to-day management ended up making so many rules that the few people who had been coming there for support were unable to do so in the closely monitored site. They even had PhD students monitoring the blogs and approving every post before it could go live….in fact they had a “special cyber room” where the monitors could talk privately…until one day it was accidentally left “open” so that anyone could see what they were saying…the monitors were laughing about and making fun of the bloggers. So that site and the 501c foundation have come to naught, when it could have done so much good. One of the “board of directors” of this site styled herself as a victim, down on her luck, living in a small RV and no safe place to park it. I allowed her to come here to my farm to park until she could get a job and get back on her feet. Instead of taking advantages of the job opportunities, she spent the time she had here in trying to con me for money for one hair brained scheme after another, until it finally dawned on me, she was simply a FAKE victim, but was instead she was a psychopathic con person who had “lost the fight” with her previous victim and was now posing as a victim herself. This is called the “pity ploy”—oh, don’t criticize me I’m a poooor victim” etc. Well, I asked her to leave here “it just wasn’t working out” and I even gave her some gas money to make sure she could get far away. So for this trouble, she performed the “smear campaign” to anyone who would listen. Fortunately, others knew her for what she really was, and she didn’t do me any damage. I also talked to a psychiatrist who knew her as well and the MD said she agreed with me that this “victim” was in fact an abuser.

Other sites set their hosts up as “experts” and though they have no counseling license or education, they call themselves “life coaches” and charge others fees  for their wisdom and advice as well as sell their books, tapes, and personal appearances. This is to me, just a way to get around the license and educational requirements for mental health practitioners. It is sort of like someone without any medical training setting themselves us as a “health care coach” and giving you medical advice.

Of course dissenting voices are banned from these sites by their owners, so only what they want posted goes on the blogs.

Recently a friend of mine who lives in a major city is fighting a corrupt family law judge in her city. There are many women joined with her in this fight in an association. My friend’s son has been removed from her custody and given to the custody of her ex who is a psychopath and most likely a pedophile as well. On one “support” site there was a woman who was an “expert” on this particular court case as she said she had been a victim of this same court, so my friend sent an e mail to her and was informed that the “expert” would not even read her e mail unless she forwarded $150 by Pay Pal.

WOW! I was dumbstruck at someone who would be so greedy to charge $150 for reading one e mail. I wonder how much she would charge for going to court with you.

Also there are people who set themselves us as “legal advisers” to people going to court for divorce or custody. They are not lawyers, but are “trained” in a 19-40 hour course to “advise and hold the hand of and support” someone in court. The group who sells this “service” and by the way, “train each other” and “certify” each other, charge thousands of dollars for a one day court appearance. The courts do not recognize them like an interpreter for the deaf or a language translator is recognized and paid for by the court, but these people are trying to get the courts to pay them these outrageous fees for their “services.”

Which reminds me of the fake sign language interpreter  at Mandela’s funeral, who had previously been charged with murder and outed previously as a fake, stood beside the president of the US waving  his hands pretending to “sign” what was being said. Very typical of a con man with connections…he was apparently someone’s “brother-in-law” to get the job. The world is filled with such fakes who pretend to “help” for money but are not qualified to help.

The old adage of “buyer beware” holds true in the cyberage as well as in the past. I went  to a therapist for my depression, and between my insurance and my secondary insurance he was  paid a reasonable fee. If I hadn’t had insurance I would try to find a lower cost alternative if I could not afford to pay cash, but I would still go to someone with a license, not someone who had just decided that they could be a “life coach” and tell me how to run my life, at $150 per e mail. My therapist was paid about $75 per hour, not an unreasonable fee for a licensed PhD professional…but to pay someone $150 for just reading one e mail? Outrageous! So be careful of the web sites you frequent and the information you get off them. Not all sites that pretend to be “experts” out there are indeed even valid at all. Sometimes even those with credentials  are not trustworthy either, so it is up to us as former victims to sift the wheat from the chaff and to find the answers we need from people who are not trying to “profit” by their self appointed “expertise.” There are books out there that have been on the market long enough that used copies are very cheap, and if you can read, you can learn to distinguish the true from the false, and to realize that real altruism isn’t out to make a buck off of your pain.

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  44 Responses to “BEWARE OF FAKE ALTRUISM”

  1. LOL Yea the “nasty nanny” is crazy. LOL

    You know, my farm was my raft, it was my family’s farm and was where I was raised, where I spent the HAPPY part of my childhood, and I loved this place. I clung to it like an idiot dragging a raft through the Rocky Mountains. LOL But there came a time when I finally LET GO of the farm, my house, basically everything I owned and took off to save my life…

    I resisted letting go of the “raft” of my house, my cattle, my “home” and ran for the hills, literally. and you know, even when I came back I was no longer TIED TO THE RAFT, I know that I can go on, farm or no farm, house or no house, and livestock or no livestock. I don’t need more than I can put in a back pack, I can now walk away (if I have to) and never look back or grieve over the loss of “stuff”

    The abuse of my mother and other family members trying to drive me off the farm actually FREED me because I didn’t think I could live without THEM either, but I realized I can. As long as I can breathe, I am ME AND I AM FREE…no more rafts…human or otherwise.

  2. Truthy, to comment on your comment about anger being a big raft…absolutely it is. Bitterness and anger if we continue to experience them over a long period of time is like someone once said about “eating poison and expecting someone else to die” it EATS us like a freaking cancer from the inside out.

    When my neighbor “crazy Bob” sued me for $50K dollars because of HIS MENTAL ANGUISH because my husband’s plane crashed in his field and he needed money to make him feel better…I was SO angry at him that I literally lay awake nights thinking of how I could kill him and get away with it. Then finally after weeks? months? some period of time, anyway, I realized that I was becoming just like him (I think he is a psychopath for that and many other reasons) I did not want to be like him.

    The Bible says “pray for those that abuse you” and I started doing that. I wrote out a prayer and read it aloud and when I would read it out AT FIRST believe me I DID NOT MEAN ONE WORD OF IT…but finally I started to feel better. ME feeling better. And I actually started to feel SORRY for these miserable people who would treat others so poorly.

    You know it amazed me how praying for someone I hated, despised, wished harm, helped me to get the bitterness toward them out of my heart, and brought me peace where they were concerned. Now I do not and will not ever have a “relationship” with any of these abusers, but I don’t have to have a relationship with them at all…I can forgive them and move on. Getting that bitterness out of my heart toward them.

    • Joyce, the anger that I’ve carried over these many years is based upon my shame-core beliefs, I think. I was helpless, as a child, and was made to feel useless, as an adult. The only time that I think I actually FELT that I was worthy and in control of my life was when I was working at a ranch and attending college. During that time, I felt confident, worthy, and I had self-esteem.

      I also still have anger at myself for having wasted the majority of my life trying to please others, fix others, help others, and accepting responsibility for their problems. So, this is something that I’m working on, daily.

      Anger is “normal,” but festering anger is absolutely poisonous. It’s caustic and you’re 100% spot-on that it eats us alive, from the inside out. It surely did eat me, alive, and I’m trying to rebuild myself, from the inside, out.

      That, I truly believe, is why “acceptance” and “forgiveness” is such a personal imperative for recovery and healing. It’s not for THEM, but for US………it’s for us, alone.

  3. Truthy I absolutely agree about “forgiveness” and that was something that because of what my mother taught me….that true “forgiveness” meant that you IMMEDIATELY restored “trust” and immediately did away with the consequences of what they had done.

    It was only when I was in hiding that I read and reread the story of Joseph whose brothers sold him into slavery…and it talked about how he had “forgiven” them many years before he saw them again (they didn’t recognize him but he did them). So he TESTED them pretty harshly and I always wondered why he was “so mean” to them. But finally it dawned on me that what my mother had taught me…beaten into my head…was WRONG, that forgiveness does NOT mean restoring trust until (or if) that person actually CHANGES their behavior, that they see and acknowledge what they have done is wrong and the damage it did to you.

    So fiinally changing my thoughts about what is actually “forgiveness” allowed me to get the bitterness out of my heart without restoring trust to those offenders.

    That was a DIFFICULT concept for me to grasp. I also know that if we ALLOW it, the anger/rage can slip back into our hearts, so it is one of those things that I at least must constantly keep working on and at the first sign I am feeling that anger, I STOP and reexamine what I am feeling and why.

    Acceptance is part I think of the ability to “forgive”—accepting that the other person is what they are and that WE cannot change THEM, that they must change themselves if they want to.

    It’s a learning curve and that’s okay, each thing we learn and put into practice helps us grow.

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