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  1. LOL Yea the “nasty nanny” is crazy. LOL

    You know, my farm was my raft, it was my family’s farm and was where I was raised, where I spent the HAPPY part of my childhood, and I loved this place. I clung to it like an idiot dragging a raft through the Rocky Mountains. LOL But there came a time when I finally LET GO of the farm, my house, basically everything I owned and took off to save my life…

    I resisted letting go of the “raft” of my house, my cattle, my “home” and ran for the hills, literally. and you know, even when I came back I was no longer TIED TO THE RAFT, I know that I can go on, farm or no farm, house or no house, and livestock or no livestock. I don’t need more than I can put in a back pack, I can now walk away (if I have to) and never look back or grieve over the loss of “stuff”

    The abuse of my mother and other family members trying to drive me off the farm actually FREED me because I didn’t think I could live without THEM either, but I realized I can. As long as I can breathe, I am ME AND I AM FREE…no more rafts…human or otherwise.

  2. Truthy, to comment on your comment about anger being a big raft…absolutely it is. Bitterness and anger if we continue to experience them over a long period of time is like someone once said about “eating poison and expecting someone else to die” it EATS us like a freaking cancer from the inside out.

    When my neighbor “crazy Bob” sued me for $50K dollars because of HIS MENTAL ANGUISH because my husband’s plane crashed in his field and he needed money to make him feel better…I was SO angry at him that I literally lay awake nights thinking of how I could kill him and get away with it. Then finally after weeks? months? some period of time, anyway, I realized that I was becoming just like him (I think he is a psychopath for that and many other reasons) I did not want to be like him.

    The Bible says “pray for those that abuse you” and I started doing that. I wrote out a prayer and read it aloud and when I would read it out AT FIRST believe me I DID NOT MEAN ONE WORD OF IT…but finally I started to feel better. ME feeling better. And I actually started to feel SORRY for these miserable people who would treat others so poorly.

    You know it amazed me how praying for someone I hated, despised, wished harm, helped me to get the bitterness toward them out of my heart, and brought me peace where they were concerned. Now I do not and will not ever have a “relationship” with any of these abusers, but I don’t have to have a relationship with them at all…I can forgive them and move on. Getting that bitterness out of my heart toward them.

    • Joyce, the anger that I’ve carried over these many years is based upon my shame-core beliefs, I think. I was helpless, as a child, and was made to feel useless, as an adult. The only time that I think I actually FELT that I was worthy and in control of my life was when I was working at a ranch and attending college. During that time, I felt confident, worthy, and I had self-esteem.

      I also still have anger at myself for having wasted the majority of my life trying to please others, fix others, help others, and accepting responsibility for their problems. So, this is something that I’m working on, daily.

      Anger is “normal,” but festering anger is absolutely poisonous. It’s caustic and you’re 100% spot-on that it eats us alive, from the inside out. It surely did eat me, alive, and I’m trying to rebuild myself, from the inside, out.

      That, I truly believe, is why “acceptance” and “forgiveness” is such a personal imperative for recovery and healing. It’s not for THEM, but for US………it’s for us, alone.

  3. Truthy I absolutely agree about “forgiveness” and that was something that because of what my mother taught me….that true “forgiveness” meant that you IMMEDIATELY restored “trust” and immediately did away with the consequences of what they had done.

    It was only when I was in hiding that I read and reread the story of Joseph whose brothers sold him into slavery…and it talked about how he had “forgiven” them many years before he saw them again (they didn’t recognize him but he did them). So he TESTED them pretty harshly and I always wondered why he was “so mean” to them. But finally it dawned on me that what my mother had taught me…beaten into my head…was WRONG, that forgiveness does NOT mean restoring trust until (or if) that person actually CHANGES their behavior, that they see and acknowledge what they have done is wrong and the damage it did to you.

    So fiinally changing my thoughts about what is actually “forgiveness” allowed me to get the bitterness out of my heart without restoring trust to those offenders.

    That was a DIFFICULT concept for me to grasp. I also know that if we ALLOW it, the anger/rage can slip back into our hearts, so it is one of those things that I at least must constantly keep working on and at the first sign I am feeling that anger, I STOP and reexamine what I am feeling and why.

    Acceptance is part I think of the ability to “forgive”—accepting that the other person is what they are and that WE cannot change THEM, that they must change themselves if they want to.

    It’s a learning curve and that’s okay, each thing we learn and put into practice helps us grow.

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