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“Break up violence” — 15 Comments

  1. This is such an important topic, Joyce. Thanks for bringing it up.

    When a couple breaks up and emotions are running high, it’s a very good idea to stay clear of each other for as long as necessary, until calm is restored.

    Even in cases where the breakup seems to be “accepted” by both parties, we have to be careful that one of the two isn’t just pretending to feel “fine” in order to lure his/her victim into an ambush.

    Any relationship that could be defined as stormy or crazy-making, has the potential to end up in violence. That’s why No Contact is the best solution after a break up. If No Contact is not possible, then use the Gray Rock Method to maintain calm and not feed into the rage of the narcissist.

  2. I totally agree Skylar and when I saw that show last night and then read the article about it as well…and the fact that the state is taking it seriously and having classes for the kids about abuse, break ups and violence…etc. at least something good comes out of the loss of this young woman’s life. Maybe others will be saved.

    EDUCATION is the only–I repeat–ONLY way to slow this problem down. Those of us who grew up accepting abuse as “normal” are loath to really break it off when the going gets abusive…(head shaking here) and getting to these kids while they are still in high school is the greatest thing we can do for them.

  3. Joyce, I agree that education is the key. Breaking down the stereotypes and speaking about the hard, ugly, and cold FACTS, just as they are, is a moral imperative.

    I’m horrified that another person’s life ended because of a violent relationship. I”m not “shocked,” at all – just horrified.

    I’m not a big fan of Dr. Phil, but there is a campaign of educating people about domestic violence and abuse, and here is the link: https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/aspire/

    “Aspire” is a first-of-its-kind cell phone app that can set up an EXIT strategy for anyone who believes that they are in an abusive relationship. The app includes automatically recording an abusive or violent episode, contacting TRUSTED individuals that they are ready to LEAVE (including police, social services, clergy, etc.), and other helpful options.

    Teenage dating violence statistics are frightening, and they are only INCREASING. Does media, advertising, and dysfunction factor into our violent culture? I don’t know, but I DO know that it’s LONG overdue to talk about the FACTS to blow away the stereotypes.

    Very, very sad………

  4. Well, ANY education is important and the app sounds good for anyone who KNOWS enough to be apprehensive of the person, obviously this little girl was too naive to realize she could be in danger, she was just being helpful, SHE THOUGHT….and many of our “good intentions” can REBOUND badly. My “good intentions” to help my son get out of prison and live a good life and to “support” him while he served his time were HONEST, CARING AND KIND…and STOOOOOPID. I discounted the EVIDENCE to “see” what I WANTED to see.

    And that little girl discounted his emotional abuse and controlling behavior, and since she had broken up with him in the past and gone back, he expected she would this time too, and when she was obviously NOT going to come back, his RAGE at losing control of her sent him over the brink to murder. But she was too naive to see what was REALLY going on because she hadn’t enough life experience or EDUCATION about abuse, and he had a pretty good mask, though the TV program said that none of her friends liked him.

    What your friends think about a love interest is not ALWAYS right, but you should listen to them at the very least. Her friends SAW the controlling and fighting, but she didn’t.

    The same with my friends, they SAW what Patrick was but I assured them that they were wrong.

  5. What a sad story. The whole idea of “If I can’t have him/her, nobody else can” is such a load of c.r.a.p. I knew a couple in high school that ended up getting married when she was (purposely) with child. All because she didn’t want him leaving to join the military- which was something he was set on doing before they had even met. I can only imagine how messed up she was to have to resort to such measures to get and keep a “man” in her life. I pray for their child every day.

  6. Phoenix, yea the preg thing works both ways, the guy can deliberately get her preg, or she can either get or fake being preg…that used to work pretty good, now days though, with women openly keeping “out of wedlock” babies it isn’t such a sure bet to “hook” someone.

    This is a very sad story, but I chose it because it illustrates that the MOST DANGEROUS TIME in this kind of relationship is when the healthy party is trying to break free of the Toxic one….many times, like this girl, they try unsuccessfully to “break up” and the offender lures them back, so it is like quitting smoking or drinking it takes a few false starts sometimes, especially in the teenage set. But when the controller finally realizes that the prey is ACTUALLY breaking away, they become “narcissistically injured” i.e. their PRIDE IS HURT because they lost CONTROL over the victim. That throws them into a RAGE that seeks to injure the one who hurt them….sometimes it is a beating, sometimes vandalism of property, and sometimes death. Sometimes they plan it, and sometimes it is spur of the moment rage, but as victims are breaking free, they need to be aware that they may enrage the offender to the point of as a therapist friend of mine would say “tissue damage” and she wasn’t talking about Kleenex. LOL

    My son’s attempt to kill me (or have me killed) was that I had enraged him by cutting him out of my estate and he knew if I died before my mother, he would come into a significant amount of property from a family trust, so it was important that I die before she did. So even though he is my son, it was a “break up” rage that he was in because he saw his “entitlement” of an inheritance escaping if he didn’t act quickly. Plus he wanted to punish me for not worshiping at his altar.

    No matter how many times I say it, I will SAY IT AGAIN!


    And God bless, but get away from them ASAP!

  7. Joyce, this is definitely a horrible story, but it is hardly atypical when leaving an abuser. Care must be taken and engaging the “wise mind” instead of allowing the “feeling mind” to run rampant is a serious, SERIOUS challenge. I know this from personal experience. To get out, by any means, was my primary goal with the first exspath. I didn’t have any “help” from ANY sources or agencies, and I wish that I had understood how dangerous my situation really could have been.

    There are agencies and organizations that will help a victim “disappear,” effectively. And, the planned exit strategy requires a fair bit of ACTING. I type this because it is 100% true: I ACTED as if my life with Victor was “perfect” and loving, when it was the furthest thing from either. So, it’s possible that I could have ACTED through a successful exit strategy if I had only known that such a thing was possible with the help of others.

    As I move forward in this healing and recovery, it’s almost frightening how CLEARLY hindsight is 20/20. Know what I do, today, about myself, it is quite possible and likely that I NEVER would have married (or, even dated) the second exspath. I would have recognized and accepted that I needed to heal and recovery, FIRST, and for myself before even entertaining the idea of another partner or companion.

    Well………it’s forward momentum, even if it’s not always pleasant.

  8. Truthy you are so right, HINDSIGHT is usually 20/20…..and foresight can be BLIND. But you know, even hindsight sometimes we don’t learn from it and have to repeat the class until we get the LESSON. I have been a SLOW learner for sure. But I think I’m making progress in learning which people to associate with and which not to.

  9. I was speaking with a close friend of mine yesterday, and her daughter has FINALLY filed for divorce from her abusive alcoholic husband. Fortunately there are no children involved. The young woman has her own home (the couple owned two homes) and he was recently given a DUI and she found out that he had been using his home as a place to get drunk, etc. and was apparently driving between the two houses when he was arrested for DUI.

    This particular man has been physically violent in the past. I am frankly scared that he will hurt this young woman. She has separated from him in the past, but he has sucked her back into the relationship with the promises they all make of “I will change.” Of course the “change’ never lasted long. It is quite frankly one of those situations and we all know that the time of the break up is the most dangerous time for the person who is leaving. The abuser gets enraged that the victim might escape from him/her and the rage pushes them into violence, especially if drugs or alcohol are involved. I hope and pray this young woman is safe. I also hope that he is not able to suck her back into the relationship again. It is a a fact that it on average takes 6 attempts for a woman (or man) to leave this kind of relationship and to stay out.

    I can testify that in my own relationship with my son, it took multiple attempts to break away and actually go NC and STAY NC from him. Your comment on the other thread though that if we have a disordered person in the family it is almost impossible to get them out of our lives. A marital partner and no children involved can be one of those rare time that a person can truly go NC and not have that person impact their future lives. IF they don’t become enraged and hurt the leaving partner.

  10. Plenty of knee mail headed her way from here Joyce. Let’s hope she’s strong enough to go NC and keep it that way.

    One of the things I have heard many times over, and this goes for any type of relationships- The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave.

    Sometimes we feel so ‘invested’ in things, because we have put so much (time, effort, love, trust, energy, thought, money, etc.) into the relation-shit, it’s tough to give up on it, walk away, throw in the towel or bury it altogether.

    • Phoenix, that’s one of the reasons that I stayed with the first violent expsath – the emotional investment. Of course, there were other “reasons,” but there’s also the SHAME that factors in. I didn’t understand this concept until I got into counseling therapy. The shame-core beliefs that ran so deeply in my psyche caused me to believe that everything that was broken with the exspath was my fault for not having “fixed.” Crazy? You bet it is……….but, it’s very, very common and very, very typical.

      Once I got the gist of what shame-core beliefs were as they pertained to me, personally, I was able to sort some of this out for myself. Even the collapse of financial investments have pushed stressed-out people over the edge into suicide. So, imagine the emotional investment of religious/spiritual/civil vows (or, promises), the legal complications of a contract of marriage, the accumulated properties (and, debts), and throw children into the mix……….it is one heck of a challenge to get out.


  11. There’s a pattern in this situation. 1) her mother stayed with an abusive man for decades 2) she has left this guy for years and years but always gone back. The average (they say) for leaving an abusive relationship is SIX “tries” which is scary. So I hope and pray that this woman has learned her lesson, her mother eventually did, and married a man who worships her. I was friends with both of them when they got married 15 or 16 years ago and was so pleased when they met and started dating and then got married. It has been a wonderful thing for both of them…but during that entire 15 years I have heard how the mother’s daughter has had problems with her spouse and his drinking and abuse, and about her leaving him over and over. In fact, once she was gone long enough that she bought a house (she is fully self supporting) so she doesn’t even have to move, just kicked him out of HER house and he has one to go to as well.

    This is the first time she has actually gone so far as to FILE divorce papers and her mother thinks she may actually split this time. I am concerned though because this man has a HISTORY of violence as well as the heavy drinking and those two things do not go well together. At the time of the break up is the most dangerous for anyone leaving an abusive relationship when the abuser finally gets it through their thick head that the victim is FINALLY DONE. Many people have paid with their lives for not realizing this.

    And it is obvious that this man will do whatever it takes to continue his drinking etc.

  12. And Phoenix, it doesn’t matter if the “break up” is between friends, relatives or spouses the violence escalates when the break up is truly FINAL. I think that was what pushed Patrick too send Hamilton to off me was he KNEW that I was finally DONE with him and he wanted to salvage an inheritance from our family by offing me before my mother passed away, which If she had died first would NOT have happened and he knew it.

    • Joyce, you are 100% spot-the-hayell-on about the violence or obsessive behavior ramping up, regardless of whom the split is between!!!

      When I stopped talking to that gal that was in such dire straights, it was after listening to her peel her own onion layers back and revealing things about herself that were SO dysfunctional. When I ended it, she wrote notes to me saying that she was “sorry that happened” with regard to her taking out her rages against me, personally. Well…….I didn’t respond to any of them, EVEN THOUGH it was sad.

      So, this is the thing that I didn’t understand in my **previous life:** I believed that everything was written in stone, and any errors or failures were completely my fault. I had no idea that I was not obligated to tolerate Bad Behaviors, because I had learned during my impressionable and formative years that I was, indeed, obligated to tolerate Bad Behaviors by the very people that I relied upon to take care of me. At age 6, there are NO OPTIONS but to depend upon the parents/guardians in charge.

      So, knowing that the amping up of the violent behavior is THEIR fault, and NOT MINE was a tremendous relief.

      I hope your friend’s daughter goes through with her divorce action, and that she is safe from further abuse.

  13. Well, Truthy, I hope she does too and taht she is safe while she does it…but not my monkey, not my circus…I just thought it was a perfect example of the chances we take when we break up with them…what ever the relationshit is…the “smear” campaign is the least of what we can expect when we say enuf! They have to “vindicate” themselves by smearing us but as we heal and recover we realize that “telling them off” isn’t worth the breath! But oh at first how we WANT to. LOL

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