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Domestic violence–a family affair — 23 Comments

  1. Thank you for sending in this very deep and personal article Truthspeak. It is when we share our experiences from the heart that we can help each other learn and heal. The offenders in our lives, be they in prison or outside must be removed from our lives in order for us to progress.
    I hope and pray that “Bob” can free himself from the strangle hold of his offending brother “Mike” I know that it took my son Andrew until he was 40 years old and the man sent to kill me tried to kill HIM when he couldn’t find me. It was ONLY when his life was threatened that he really SAW his brother for what he is. So sometimes it is difficult for brothers (or anyone) to see the offenders the way they really are.

  2. Joyce, DV&A is a “secret” epidemic. Because children carry the sins of their fathers/mothers when they are raised in an atmosphere of DV&A, these behaviors are LEARNED. If a child born into a family of violence and/or abuse is high in p-traits, those children will – without fail – develop into abusers that are FAR BETTER at the abuses than their predecessors. They watch and learn about what works, and what doesn’t. And, their abusive parents do not (typically) say, “See how I’m doing this? This is to tear down your father’s self-esteem and isolate him from his network of support. By doing this, he is going to HAVE to rely upon me for everything.”

    The most tragic aspect of this cycle is that it has grown to epidemic proportions, REGARDLESS of the information, help, and resources available. In fact, there seems to be even MORE ridicule of DV&A victims than ever before, even though there are abuse victim advocates in nearly every corner of the globe to help victims access resources and escapes.

    What we, as a culture and society, NEED to do is to begin talking about the daily facts about DV&A and how this dynamic creates future abusers who are far more creative than their fathers/mothers were. We need to openly discuss how a child is deconstructed and RE-constructed by the dynamics to either be a better abuser or better victim. We need to begin discussing the DAILY events that solidify the dynamics and NOT the broken bones, bloody noses, and lacerations. The daily rituals of isolation, degradation, sexual humiliation, and financial strangleholds. The DAILY events are what generates the secrets at their cores, NOT the events that finally involve Social Services and CPS workers.

    My eldest son is on his third marriage and he’s 27 years old. Third marriage since 2004 and he had to go to Russia to ensnare this one. She is about 8000 miles from ANY family or former friends and thrown into a strange culture with a different language. She is isolated and dependent upon her new husband, by proxy, and nobody can “save” her.

    Bob vehemently defends Mike and his past with his “devout faith in Jesus” and that he’s a Follower of the Word. It is my most fervent prayer and hope that Bob finally “gets it” before I leave this earthly realm. We’ll see…..

  3. Truthy,

    Unfortunately as well, many of these “Mail order brides” are either seeking green cards for one of two reasons 1) they are just as disordered as the one seeking the “bride” or 2) they are victims seeking an abuser. Either way it is a match made in hell.

    Unfortunately, more times than not in my experience the “mail order brides” are picked from “door NUMBER ONE” rather than door number 2. Especially if they come from Russia.

    Thank you again for this great article, Truthy. Violence touches every member of every family in which it rears its ugly head FOREVER.

  4. Truth,
    your story illustrates one tenet of psychopaths: to turn others into them, to slime the innocent with their shame and envy. It’s actually their central mission, everything else that they do is just icing on their proverbial cake.

    I know one pathetic little psychopath, who has never amounted to much of anything. He was telling me about his family. Of his married sister he spat out “I hate her so much, I could cut her heart out!!” Then in a caring, compassionate voice, he added, “But she has two sons, so I try to stay close to them and influence them.”

    As Girard says, the devil tempts us by saying, “look at me, imitate me.”
    He envies our being and wants us to envy his lack of being. Some people, unfortunately, fall for it and become shallow shells of evil.

    • Sky, spot-on. And, what they cannot have or will never have, they wish to destroy.

      Victor’s only “memory” of his mother was her cowering in a corner and falling into hysterics and he considered her “crazy.” Well, he also witnessed his father tossing a cup of hot coffee into her face, and he was NEVER considered “crazy.” So, this is what he wanted from me, all along: for me to be so terrified that I was broken and ruined.

  5. I stopped at a garage sale this morning of some neighbors who are very poor and bought some stuff I didn’t need just to help them out. We got to talking about one of her sons who just got out of prison. She had given him $100 for Christmas and he bought a phone with it, then his girlfriend bought him a $400 phone. He had been living with my neighbor and she was charging him $10 a day for food and a place to sleep in their pitifull little house. He complained one night because there was only bread there to eat.

    She told him “that’s all I have” and he was dissatisfied and said “you also have too many rules” so in a little while he moved out into an apartment, but when the rent came due again he wanted to move back in and she said “No.” I told her that she was smart to say “No.”

    You cannot help those who will not help themselves. I have a telephone that cost $14. It makes calls, not photos or videos, just calls. I have the cheapest plan available. Her son couldn’t afford rent, but he had to have the fancy phone and all the perks, but couldn’t afford a place to live or food. He wasn’t helping himself. She could not afford to keep on trying to help him when he wasn’t doing all he could to help himself.

    I don’t know if her son is a psychopath or not, but he is IRRESPONSIBLE and he has VIOLATED THE LAW so I would not trust him. She and her husband are poor but hard working and honest. Doing the best they can. I’m glad to see that she is starting to get it that he is not interested in changing. THAT is all we need to see, is that they are not interested in changing. We don’t have to make a “diagnosis” at all, just OBSERVE THEIR BEHAVIOR AND SEE A PATTERN OF BAD BEHAVIOR AND IRRESPONSIBILITY. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, flies, and lays eggs, it is probably a duck. If it is long and shiny, slithers and hisses, it is probably a snake.

    Or as Jesus said “by their fruits ye shall know them” a fig tree doesn’t bear grapes or vice versa.

    • Joyce, I feel for your neighbors – nobody WANTS their offspring to become untrustworthy or irresponsible. Sometimes, they become just that and no amount of love, support, encouragement, or cell phones is going to compel that person to change. Accepting that fact doesn’t mean that I have to “like” it, but it simply means that it is an indisputable truth – a choice to either stop trying to negotiate a “better” truth, or accept what it is and cope with it.

      • Yea Truthy, these people are begging for work of any kind, offered to clean up my scrap metal and split it with me, I may have some I can give them. I can’t hire them (no money to hire them) but guess I will take them over some meat, I got plenty of that. They will barter for anything they can use as well.

        A year or so ago they mentioned they were without a refrigerator and I saw an apartment sized one with an ice compartment go “too cheap” at the auction and I bought it and left it on their porch, they said it is still working fine. When we had the tornado here that wiped out 35 homes, I went to the auction and for $50 bought a truck load of towels, sheets, bed spreads, even baby powder and such and if I had donated the $$$ it would not have gone very far at wal mart. So I try to do my giving as thrifty as I can as well as live that way too. I love auctions. LOL

        But I like to help people who really need it and are doing the best they can to help themselves. I am not going to help those who are not trying to help themselves. I guess maybe that makes me a snot, but if so, so be it. LOL

  6. I just received the following e mail today

    Can you tell me what you can do for someone who is in trouble? I
    > have a domestic violence custody case from hell. My ex has done all
    > kinds of crazy things to us and, no matter what we do or what kind
    > of proof that we have, he gets all his rights–and sometimes more–
    > back. I have an order of protection granted against him coming near
    > me but the judge gave him back his full rights (plus some extras) to
    > our toddler. I have already called Legal Aide–they can’t help me.
    > The judge won’t take himself off my case and I desperately need some
    > help or someplace to go. I can’t go to a shelter–I have been there
    > before–and it will just make this judge mad when we don’t show up
    > for our visits to meet him. Can u help me please? This man has been
    > to prison when he could have easily killed me. I have contacted all
    > the senators and state representatives–I even contacted the
    > governor. No one can help us and I badly need some help. I cannot go
    > and stay in a shelter and I will be held in contempt of court. This
    > man has multiples felons—for attacking me and other women. He has
    > several misdemeanors and stinks in drug rehab and mental hospitals.
    > They have nothing against me—nothing–yet, no matter what he does,
    > he gets his rights back. I desperately need some help. I left the
    > man with the impression that we would get some help but the courts
    > have only hurt us and let him do anything that he wants to our child—
    > over and over and over. Can you please help? I have no idea what to
    > do or where to go from this point? Somebody please wake up and
    > help!!!!!

    This letter makes me want to cry!!!! I have forwarded it on to some people I THINK might be able to help this poor woman, but I am not sure that they will be able to help her either. WHAT CAN BE DONE in this case when a judge fails to see reason against an OFFENDER? Take her child and run, and become a “kidnapper?” Nurturing parents have done it and if they are caught, they go to prison. as offenders themselves. I wish I knew the answer.

    • Joyce,

      Too bad she can’t go “underground.” Are there organizations that help people do this, “disappear?” It’s not a great way to live, but it can get the woman and her child away from a dangerous man.

    • Joyce, I identify with the mother’s experiences, and there are a number of questions that I have:
      * was/is she legally married to the child’s father?
      * is she keeping a running log of events – “running log” applies ONLY to factual events and details without any feelings, emotions, or personal insights: dates, times, etc., only
      * is she engaged in any type of counseling therapy?
      * has she been in contact with her local domestic violence hotline?
      * has she retained the services of an attorney?

      The very unfortunate truth about Family Courts are as you listed, below, Joyce. In most cases, the Judges just want to clear their dockets and they do NOT have compassion or use common sense in their rulings. Unless, and UNTIL, Judges are held accountable to the people who pay their salaries (instead of cronies and political agendas), they will continue clearing their dockets and people will continue to be used, abused, and sometimes killed by the disordered.

      There are a multitude of advocacy organizations that may be able to assist this mother, but she’s under a microscope, herself, and she has to realize this. As unfair as it is, she’s going to have some tough choices to consider. My main concern for this woman is that such experiences can keep an individual on extremely fragile emotional ground, and the emotions (frustration, helplessness, anger, despair) often are the driving forces instead of a somewhat detached approach. This is the main reason to engage in counseling therapy – PROCESS the emotions in a healthy and “safe” manner so that all of the legal B.S. is approached with a cool and detached demeanor. Also, counseling will help this woman to avoid – at all costs – from involving her child in “adult” matters and having her child experience the effects of the perceived helplessness, here.

      No, no child or custodial parent should EVER be required to interact with a clearly defiant and disordered criminal, regardless of whether that individual is a biological parent, or not. Children DO NOT “need” that type of influence in their lives and it disturbs me to no end that Courts still hold to this disastrous misconception to the detriment of ALL parties.

      I hope to read more about this mother and my most fervent positive thoughts and prayers are with her and her child.

  7. I know there are “underground railroads” for women in this situation but I have no way to contact them….and if I take her in 1) I would be making myself a party to kidnapping and 2) I do not have the financial resources to support her or send her overseas or support her there so what I am doing is I am calling an attorney friend of mine who works with a DV group and seeing what she can do. The woman is here in my state. I hope I can help her. Please keep her in your prayers and keep her and her child safe.

  8. I would think that the lawyer that you contacted would be able to help this woman and her child. I was wondering if it’s possible to get an order of protection for a child, keeping the violent “father” away from him. It sounds like the judge is a blockhead, unconcerned about the actual welfare of the mother and child. Very alarming and FRUSTRATING for the mother. God be with her and her child.

  9. The problem is many fold Bluejay. One, many judges are haters of women themselves.Two, many judges honestly believe that children “need” two parents no matter what.
    Remember that judge down in Texas who was on U-tube beating his special needs daughter? He’s back on the bench folks? Yep!!!! back in family court!!! Deciding cases just like this.
    Judges are LAWYERS, not trained in anything but LAW, and not screened for their moral or other fitness to fill the office of judge. They are either a POLITICAL APPOINTEE or they are ELECTED by a populace that usually doesn’t know much about them.

  10. Bluejay, I heard directly from this woman this morning and her x is in jail this morning as he violated the order of protection, which will run 5 years as he just got out of prison and she is living at her parents’ home so she is not in any danger of being out on the street at least. I am in the process of gathering more information and I hope everyone here on Family arrested will keep her and her child in their thoughts and prayers.

    A child does not need a violent offender in their lives. One nurturing parent is much better than to have the constant chaos that goes along with having violence in their lives. Until the law recognizes that it should be the RIGHTS OF CHILDREN not the “rights” of parents just because they contributed DNA to the child, this kind of thing will go on.

  11. Joyce,

    I’m thankful that her ex is locked up. Now, she has breathing space, time to think, make arrangements for herself and her child.

  12. You know while some of us are Christians and that faith helps us to cope with what we have been through in dealing with offenders in our families, others among us are not Christians. Others have different spiritual leanings, but I do believe that there is a spiritual component in each of us, if not a “religious” one. I think that HUMANS per se, are “spiritual” since we dweled in caves and worshiped idols and buried our dead with care. I think it is built into our DNA that there is “more to us” than just our moral clay.

    I think that “spiritual” aspect in each of us is something on which we can draw to help us to heal, to cope, to over come. Call it what you will.

    I honor that spirit in everyone here, whatever their beliefs are.

    There is part of an old poem I remember from childhood, I don’t remember now who wrote it or the exact words, so forgive me if I quote it wrong.

    A mother starved for her brood
    Socrates drinking the hemlock
    and Jesus upon the rod
    and the many who humbly
    the stony hard pathway trod
    some call it consecration
    and some call it God

    The part of us that makes us willing to sacrifice ourselves for something other than ourselves is that spiritual part of something more than ourselves. Something higher than ourselves. Call it what you will.

  13. This is an open invitation to FamilyArrested members and visitors to participate in a “Domestic Violence Survey.” Participation is 100% anonymous, though participants would be required to sign up for the host site – no spamming results from this, as I’ve been a “member” of this site for nearly a decade.

    The survey asks multiple-choice questions with a choice of responses. Nearly all of the questions have a blue question mark on at least one of the answer options. This question mark provides SPECIFIC information with regard to the survey question and links to more information.

    Domestic violence and abuse is growing at an exponential rate – it is, and no amount of “education” and information available is going to alter the stigmas and myths surrounding this dreadful plague on our cultures and societies. I don’t foresee a sudden global “enlightenment” on this topic, nor any clear or easy answers to slowing the spread of DV&A. Until Laws are amended and enforced, and Family Courts finally understand that a child doesn’t “need” two parents in order to develop into emotionally healthy and productive members of the community, DV&A will continue to be a very misunderstood dynamic.

    Please, visit this site and share your experiences, learn about DV&A if you’ve never experienced it, and find links to sites that can help you if you come to the realization that you are living in an environment of violence and/or abuse. http://curezone.com/faq/p/s.asp?a=25,1720,2956&s=58

    The cycle doesn’t require black eyes, broken limbs, or split lips. Emotional abuse is just as damaging (if not MORE damaging) as physical violence, and DV&A is not limited to any specific socio-economic paradigm, gender, race, creed, or locale.

  14. Most of the symptoms of domestic violence and abuse are subtle and it requires one catalyst to “end” the relationship, especially if children are involved. Some of the more pronounced symptoms that victims of DV&A experience are (but, not confined to):

    * the belief that one is responsible FOR the abuse and/or violence
    * the belief that one is DESERVING OF the abuse and/or violence
    * the belief that one has no means of self-protection against the abuse and/or violence
    * the belief that one has no means to protect children from abuse and/or violence
    * visceral emotional reactions to reminders (movies, news reports, photo images, certain words) of abuse and/or violence
    * reoccurring nightmares, flashbacks, and heightened anxiety
    * pervasive sense of helplessness and despair that the victim will never escape the abuse and/or violence
    * pervasive state of hyper-anxiety, agitation, and fearful apprehension

    These “symptoms” create an environment of absolute toxicity to the psyche AND the physiology. Chronic illness and unidentifiable body aches and pains are very common in victims of abuse, including those in recovery.

    Anyone who has experienced a sociopathic entanglement with a spouse, partner, coworker, supervisor, professional, sibling, parent, or toll-taker has experienced EMOTIONAL ABUSE, at the very least, and physical abuse on a typical basis. Fists don’t need to fly for abuse to move from verbal/emotional into physical.

    So…..having typed that, exposure to spaths is a challenge to recover from. Be patient. Be kind. And, separate the “feelings” from the “facts,” whenever possible.

  15. Here’s a great article about the research done by Avon on domestic violence and the silence among victims.

    An overwhelming majority, 67 per cent, of Americans said they have not talked about domestic violence with their friends. And 73 per cent said they have not discussed sexual assault, the survey said.

    ‘That silence leaves victims trapped by the shame, stigma and fear that these crimes carry,’ Avon Foundation for Women President Carol Kurzig said.

    Of those willing to talk about these issues with friends, 30 per cent of women have, compared to only 17 per cent of men.

    That may be a result of the discouraging 58 per cent of victims who told of the abuse they suffered only to have no help offered, said the survey.

    Despite this, Avon asserts that discussing these issues will make them easier to combat.

    ‘If we can encourage more people to start talking, we can end that cycle and bring these issues to light in a new way,’ said Ms Kurzig.

    Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2430316/Despite-22-cent-Americans-admitting-victims-domestic-violence-15-cent-feel-problem-friends.html#ixzz2fqfBisav

  16. “National Domestic Violence Awareness Month” has been designated to be October of every year.

    DV&A (domestic violence and abuse) is growing at an EXPONENTIAL rate and is acknowledged by sociologists, anthropologists, psychologists, pediatricians, and physicians to be a bona fide epidemic. It continues to spread at an alarming rate, and there are many, many misconceptions of what DV&A is, and whom the victims really are.

    The facts related to DV&A are staggering:
    * 1 out of 4 women will report domestic violence and/or abuse
    * 40% of teenagers know a peer who has been (or, is still being) abused
    * 70% of all teen dating abuse is sexual assault
    * 90% of all DV&A is witnessed by children
    * 3.3 million children witness DV&A, each year, in the U.S., alone
    * 40% of all men will experience DV&A
    * 1 out of every 3 women murdered in the U.S. are killed by a current or former partner

    The statistics go on, and on, and on, and they are very bleak.

    DV&A is a cycle of typically LEARNED behavior. Even an individual who is predisposed to violence can learn how to govern their actions, reactions, and behaviors under the right circumstances. Sadly, most children who are genetically predisposed to violence were produced by a violent parent(s), or DV&A can be found, somewhere, in the extended family dynamics.

    Because DV&A is typically LEARNED behavior, it is a CHOICE by the abuser to control their victim(s). It’s not something that they cannot control – it’s something that they WILL NOT even acknowledge, much less take steps to correct. They LIKE the control that they wield, and they have no intention of changing. Regardless of promises or assurances that they will “get help,” it only happens in very, very rare instances – do NOT allow yourself to believe that YOUR abuser is going to be a success story, because it just isn’t so.

    Abuse does not ever, ever, EVER “get better.” It only ends when the victim makes the decision to survive and leave, or one of the parties (or, both) die.

    I have personally experienced every type of recognized abuse and I am not stupid. I was raised in a middle-class environment, attended the “right” church, was introduced to the “right” circles of society, and expected to “marry well.” I am educated, intelligent, resilient, and resourceful, and I was still made a victim by a brutal abuser. IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

    Visit the link, below, to learn more about what DV&A really is, who it affects, and what steps to take to end it.

    When I type, “end it,” I mean get the H*E*L*L OUT – there is no pill, no therapy, no prayer, no ritual, no herb, no supplement, and no lightning bolt from God that is going to cure an abuser. There isn’t. There isn’t!

    No matter what is at stake by leaving, no real estate, no cars, no bank accounts, no personal property is worth the risk of remaining in an abusive relationship. “Staying for the sakes of the children” is a FALLACY and excuse for NOT taking action. Children who witness DV&A will, without fail, either develop into the “perfect victim,” or a more creative abuser, as adults. This is a FACT, not an opinion.

    Break the cycle, and do it, safely. For more information, please visit:

    If you recognize ANY of these dynamics in your relationship, take action to save yourself and your children, if there are any involved. Contact your local DV&A hotline, speak to the phone counselor, and develop a safe and secure EXIT STRATEGY with people who are experienced in this.

  17. Good morning Truthy, thank you for bringing this timely article back up and for the addition to your original article! I VERY much appreciate it.

    I had a little “mini-vacation” with my living history group…we had a great time and it was good for me to get out for a few days! There were 37 “camps” (individuals and families) camped with us this time, and most camps had 2-4 people in them so we had a good turn out of pre-1840 reenactors for the little town of Leslie Arkansas which is a quaint old village on the road to Branson MO where all the music and tourism is…this was our second year of doing an event for this little town who treated us like royalty and brought out their school kids on Friday to tour our camp and get ed-u-ma-kated about what life in 1840 Arkansas would have been like.

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