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Flush it away — 6 Comments

  1. Well then, that’s definitely one way of looking at it. Flush the spath and all of their crap down the drain with them. How fitting!

    I view mine and the bills he left me, as paying an exterminater. It’s the cost of fumigating the house to get rid of rodents and pests. Whatever the cost? It’s usually worth every penny.

    Bottom line though, whatever you choose to compare it too, however it makes sense to each of us, how we choose to view it, its a reminder to let it go. Get it away from us and our of our life. The sooner, the better.

  2. Joyce, I’ve been offline for a long while, lately. Nothing serious, just “life happening,” as it often does.

    This is a phenomenal article, Joyce, because what you addressed was specifically what I’ve been dealing with in my counseling sessions: my personal mistakes in judgement. I’ve been wrangling with this, for years. I chose an abusive spath, the first time around, and I chose another even more insidious spath the second time around – of course, I also surrounded myself with the disordered and toxic, from soup to nuts.

    This analogy is important to me because, as a human being, I’m “allowed” to make mistakes. I’m not a god, I’m not an immortal, nor do I have all of the answers to Life’s Questions. I’m a human being, and I’m going to make mistakes – the Earth will still spin upon her axis whether I’m making mistakes, or not, and whether I’m even on the planet, or not. And, throughout my lifetime, I was FEARFUL of making mistakes – errors in judgement and/or decisions caused me to simply take NO action, at all (avoidance disorder, absolutely).

    EXCELLENT article on recovery and healing, Joyce – exactly what I needed to read, right now.

  3. Glad you were helped by the article, Truthy, I too was helped with my friend’s analogy…I too set perfection for ME, though definitely not for others. If they were not perfect, I could accept that (no matter how bad they were) but if I was not 100% perfect, then I felt I was worthless.

    It has been difficult for me to forgive myself for not being perfect…to flush away the things that are less than perfect….and realize that going over and over and OVER the things I have made bad decisions, choices, or just did wrong…well that was harder. now when I find myself kicking myself for not doing something perfectly, I flush it….recently I lost a baby calf because I did not realize SOON ENOUGH to take action that it needed help, I could not save it, and oh, if I had just been a day or two sooner she probably would have lived….but I’m NOT perfect and sometimes things slip and go haywire, but I can’t keep beating myself up about it. So this came at a time I needed to learn this lesson (again) as well.

    My friend came out to see me again this afternoon and we talked about healing…her mother recently died and her brother and the rest of the family are shunning her and she is in such pain…and so we talked, prayed together and uplifted each other and it was good for us both. She’s like a lot of nurses (me included) to give too much to others and don’t take care of ourselves. Grief is a hard thing to go through, but to be beaten down at the time you are grieving makes it worse.

    Not all offenders are breaking the law of the land, just the laws of love, kindness and compassion…

    • Joyce, that’s the crux of my personal issues – “all offenders” were behind bars or riding the lightning for what they’d done. “Bad people” simply did not exist in everyday life, unless they were ON THEIR WAY to prison. And, the reason (clinically speaking) that I believed that was true was directly related to my childhood traumas in the dynamics of alcoholism. The more that I learned about “these people,” and how I was so easily duped by them, the more I delved into my childhood traumas to find the answers.

      It’s creepy how much damage can be done to a child’s psyche even through words, let alone long-term abuse and neglect. I didn’t have a self-worth, self-esteem, or self-value and I wore these facts upon my forehead. The people who were emotionally healthy were just as astute as the people who were (at the very least) toxic, and I didn’t experience “healthy” relationships that could even be construed as within “normal” boundaries. It was either one way or the other, but NEVER in the realm of reasonably normal.

      SO…………the whole point of my response to this article is that it always started with what THEY DID to me…….there are countless examples of partners AND platonic friends that took advantage of my vulnerabilities and exploited my strengths to their advantages. Yeah, yeah………they are/were predators, to be sure! But, as I began the journey of recovery and healing, it has become ALL ABOUT ME!! Where I came from, how I respond/react to any given trigger/situation, and rewiring my brain (literally) to respond in a more normal range and how to maintain boundaries that I’ve had to construct from the foundation, on up. It’s been a complete reconstruct of myself from personal beliefs, spiritual beliefs, and truths about humanity. Learning that I was “allowed” to make mistakes and that I was STILL “okay” if I did was a tremendous relief to me – it took away that dreadful burden of perfection and an understanding that there’s NO SUCH THING as perfection – even a snowflake isn’t perfect, and “flushing” those mistakes is such a WONDERFUL analogy!!!

      It’s possible to do this – to reconstruct and exist in a world of “facts AND emotions,” without being an easy target or even appearing as any type of target. It’s not only possible, but it’s liberating and empowering beyond my ability to convey! It’s a long process, and scary, as well. But, it’s possible.

      The book that actually opened the path of recovery and healing in this manner is titled, “Healing The Shame That Binds You.” It’s been revised a number of times, and the origins regard substance abuse and alcoholism – very specific sources of “shame core beliefs,” but the truths that are discussed can be applied to ANY process of recovery.

      The Laws of Love, Kindness, and Compassion are easily broken, even by those without an agenda of harm or exploitation. Knowing and believing that we aren’t required to tolerate any abuse of those sacred and priceless Laws is the first step on that path of recovery and healing.

  4. Very well said, Truthy….It is sooo important I think that we learn about HEALTHY interactions and relationships, and unfortunately, many times as we grow up, we have no idea what a “healthy” relationship is.

    Many times the “upstanding citizens” of this world are offenders and play the abuser role well, and keep it covered in a cloak of “respectability”

    Charles “Jackie” Walls III (you can look him up on the arkansas state prison directory on line) was from a very respectable family, and he hid his perversions behind that layer of “respectability” as he molested hundreds of children for decades.

    My family seemed more concerned with what “the neighbors thought” than with reality, and so it was a game of “let’s pretend none of this happened”—oh YEA???? You “burn my house down” when you are mad at me, then say “oh, I’m sorry, I was mad, let’s pretend none of this happened and start over?”

    Unfortunately, for way too long I kept “starting over” and giving another and then another chance…”insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results” someone said once and that is true…I was VERY insane as I kept expecting different results. It’s been a long road to learn that lesson, but the thing is until we DO learn that lesson and act on it, then we can never get out of the “game” and so life keeps giving us opportunities to learn the lesson. LOL “Life’s a tough teacher, she gives the test first and THEN the lesson.” I’ve had to “repeat” a lot of classes. LOL

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