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If someone is violent, they are capable of worse — 13 Comments

  1. Joyce, this is a very important article and SO difficult for victims to grasp. It’s also difficult for non-victims to comprehend. “Why don’t you just LEAVE?” Well, in a “normal” relationship, if it goes sour, ending it is a mutual agreement without anger, fear, or hatred. But, ending a relationship with a physically violent person isn’t “normal,” under any circumstances.

    There are 2 incidents that happened in southern NJ that occurred just months apart. The first one was when a cop shot and killed his estranged wife – they were engaged in a bitter divorce and he claimed that he had come home, after his shift, and that his soon-to-be-ex-wife attacked him with a knife. The cop was 6’2″ and 240lb and the woman was 5’2″ and 120lb – he drew his service weapon and shot her dead in their kitchen and was taken to the nearby ER for what he claimed were “defensive” wounds on his arms. The ER staff noted that the injuries appeared to be self-inflicted, rather than bona fide defensive wounds. The cop went to trial and was found, “Not Guilty.”

    The second incident was when an estranged boyfriend waited in the home of a female corrections officer after her shift was done. This woman walked in, and he shot her in the back with a shotgun. This didn’t kill her, outright, and he then shot her in straight in her face. Then, he turned the shotgun on himself and blew his own head off. This was scant minutes before the woman’s son arrived home from school. From what the man told me, it was very likely that the boyfriend was going to attempt to kill his former girlfriend and I told this man that anytime someone can convey a pattern of violence, the likelihood that the “escapee” is going to be harmed or murdered is compounded times 10. He started at me like a gaping fish, and I said, “What did you think? That her boyfriend was just going to ‘play nice’ and let her go? It wasn’t about unrequited love – it was about violence, abuse, and control.”

    In both of these horrific cases, these women were attempting to end violent relationships. In the second case, one corrections officer told me, himself, that he “knew things were bad, but (he) didn’t know they were THAT bad.” He conveyed some of the things that the woman had told him and her plans to end the relationship.

    If there were anything that could be gleaned from these (and other) tragic endings, I would hope that it would be the fact that expecting a violent abuser (male OR female) to be reasonable and adult about ending a relationship is a FANTASY. Anyone who is contemplating ending a violent relationship should, without fail, seek the help of their local domestic violence hotline resources. Even friends and family that might “mean well” don’t always understand the severity or gravity of what the victim has experienced, or will likely face in ending the relationship.

    Anyone who is in fear of their life in a relationship with an abusive partner should contact: http://www.thehotline.org. This hotline will put victims in touch with every manner of resources to help them (and, their children) to SAFELY escape a violent situation. Resources include: safe exit strategy/plan, secure housing, counseling, financial assistance, and legal assistance.

    Violent abusers will NEVER be reasonable, especially about surrendering what they view to be their properties (partner/children). They don’t “love” their victims – not one iota. They OWN them with little more concern than they would maintain for a slab of bacon. Their victims are OBJECTS, only.

    • Food for thought ….

      1 John 3:8   He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.

      • Wini,

        Anytime we do things that we know are “wrong” or hurtful to other people we also damage ourselves, and anytime we allow someone to hurt us we are participating in our own injury. It is up to us to protect ourselves and to not allow others to hurt us. We must learn to set appropriate boundaries and to leave abusers and violent offenders and law breakers.

        I do not believe that God and Jesus intended for us to be hurt by others or that when Jesus said “turn the other cheek” he meant for us to stand there and let someone continue to abuse us. He also advised us that we must try to work things out but if we could not work things out that we should leave. So you know, we must learn to protect ourselves from violence.

  2. Truthspeak you are SO right about people who are violent. Violent people only get WORSE. I heard a story once about a women’s shelter, and a new woman who was being given a tour of the shelter asked about the pictures of women on the wall of the shelter. She asked if they were the women who had been successful in getting away from their abusers and the woman giving the tour said, “Oh, no, those are the women who went BACK to their abusers and were KILLED.”

    Not ALL abusers KILL their victims, but NO abuser CHANGES. That’s just the fact.

    75% of domestic abusers are psychopaths and they have no conscience and WILL never change, the other 25% are very high in psychopathic traits and will never change, that is just the facts of life. That poster “I Win” who posted on Prison Talk about the man who is in prison for stabbing her 11 times and is now trying to get visitation with their children!!!! OMG!!!! What a monster!!!! She realizes that the other women who are waiting for their offenders to get out of prison so they can welcome them back into their homes are deluded. SHE GETS IT, BUT THEY DON’T. I wish all these men and women got it like I Win. That’s why I set up this web site. I didn’t get it about my son. It took me decades to “get it.” Only after he tried to have me murdered did I get it. It may have taken him stabbing her 11 times before she got it, but whatever made us get it, we now DO get it. So if we can help even one or two “get it” maybe we can save their lives.

  3. Joyce, If we could help others understand what life with an abuser is like, the battle would be half won. One problem is, that most normal people cannot comprehend that there are people walking around who do not have the ability to care about another human being. They only see others as property to be used, yet they have the capability of pretending to love, in order to keep the property from leaving. They play this part so convincingly, they have a perfect understanding of the mindset of a normal human being, they simply don’t FEEL that mindset.

    Another problem is that these same abusers, don’t JUST want to keep us around for our money or servitude. They have a specific need or “role” for us: to provide DRAMA for them. Though they can’t feel anything themselves, they need to see US feeling for them. This is unimaginable to most people.

    Which brings us to the third problem, that people don’t understand: The abuser will do ANYTHING to make sure we don’t leave. In addition to wearing a mask, they also begin to plot from day one to isolate us, so we have no escape avenues. It happens slowly and insidiously so that we don’t notice. Our bank accounts get drained, our energy gets drained, our friends drop away because the abuser creates difficulties when they are around. All these happen before the abuse begins, because the abuser needs to make sure that you stay put until the web is ready.

    What people don’t understand is that the abused has been the focused target of a diabolical plan to own and destroy them. It’s not a matter of “love gone bad” or “he lost control and can’t help himself.” People can’t believe or even imagine the truth about abuse: it’s calculated.

  4. Sky, even people who have exited and survived their own abusive situations will not “speak” about the gorilla in the living room. “Domestic Violence” happens to “other people.”

    I’ve spoken to countless people about domestic violence and abuse, the dynamics, the results (my own, and those of my children), and they are incapable of processing even the most basic facts that occurred. “Why didn’t you leave, then?” has been a response 80% of the time. Attempting to force another person to understand the dynamics of Stockholm Syndrome is nigh-on-impossible unless they have experienced it, themselves.

    Oddly, there is plenty of information out there about DV&A and violent behaviors, and this age of technology should be reflecting a greater insight within our cultures across the globe. Yet, for all of the information out there and the public service ads, violence is escalating at an exponential rate. Even the most catastrophic events like 9/11, the Sandyhook massacre, and the most recent bombing of the Boston Marathon quickly fade into the dim past, let alone the infant found in a dumpster behind a gas station.

    As a culture and society (in general), we have become numb and apathetic about violence, on every level. And, I don’t know of any means to stop the proverbial train wreck when violence becomes the greatest form of entertainment as it did before the fall of every great ancient civilization. Just my 2 cents….

  5. Truth,
    Violence follows a predictable pattern, yet except for the explosive part of the cycle, we all seem blind to the rest of the behaviors of both the violent person and the spectators. First there is the seeds of violence which is planted long before the explosion. That seed is shame. Then there is the outburst. The aftermath is chaos where everyone is looking for someone to blame. We see it after each violent occurrence, in the media: was it a Muslim? a jihad warrior? a “homegrown” terrorist? An inside job? A false flag? Who is to blame? Who didn’t do their job? Who will be held responsible? We need a scapegoat.

    Then the perpetrator is caught, but like during the Salem witch trials, we continue to look around for more possible scapegoats to hang. It’s all about making us feel safe again by restoring order. But we never achieve peace, because the cycle inevitably starts again, when another “shame seed” bursts open.

    The violent entertainment is just a sanctioned form of violence, meant to create that catharsis for the masses, so that they don’t need to experience it outside of a controlled environment. It doesn’t work well enough though.

    When a victim of domestic violence reports that they were victimized and they are asked, “well why didn’t you leave?” It’s like saying, “you’re to blame”. Then the victim becomes the scapegoat once again.

    • Sky, absolutely spot-on with the predictable pattern. Like the incidents that I related, the women who were murdered by their estranged husband and ex-boyfiend TOLD people AND “authorities” about their experiences. The second victim that I mentioned even had been granted a Restraining Order, and that was easily violated to commit murder.

      Some of the responses that people have made to me, personally were:
      “It couldn’t have been THAT bad if you didn’t leave sooner….”
      “Why didn’t you leave, then?”
      “What did you do to piss him off?”
      “I would NEVER let anyone hurt me…”
      among others.

      I even had a Social Services case-worker tell me that I was solely responsible for my eldest son’s sociopathy and he asked, “Well, why didn’t you leave, then?” when I was in defensive-mode about my adult son’s choices in relation to his upbringing.

      Scapegoat, you bet. Someone “has” to be blamed, and it’s typically the victim even when he/she calls the police to intervene.

    • Truth,
      “Police”. 😆
      I told the Sheriff and he said, “If you’re so afraid, then why don’t you leave?”
      Mind you, I hadn’t told him that I was abused but that the spath was a murderer and that the spath had manipulated the police in his latest caper of attempted murder.

      Of course this case was different because the police were not actually manipulated as much as they were minions…or IS this any different?

      • Sky, my feeling about “law enforcement” is that many (NOT all) of the people involved are walking a very, very thin line of “right v. wrong,” themselves. I’ve seen officers who were very understanding and professional to ones who were visibly rude and ridiculing.

        Remember the movie, “Serpico?” Yeah…..whether they’re manipulated OR minions, it’s difficult to “see” a difference where I’m concerned.

  6. You know, how we delude ourselves, I told myself “I would never let a man hit me and stay with him” and that was true, I would never let a husband or boy friend hit me, I would have left him. When I did pro bono health care for the women at the DV shelter I “feltbsuperior to them” when they would go back to the men that had broken their arms, broken their noses and blacked their eyes and they would go back. Yet, I was like the ARROGANT pharisee in the temple who looked down on the HUMBLE publican who threw himself on the floor and begged God to have mercy on a sinner like him. I was allowing my SON to abuse me. HE had HIT me, broken my ribs and yet I was sending him money after he had MURDERED A GIRL….so I sure didn’t have any reason to feel superior to these women. LOL.

    I was trained from birth to enable the family bad boy. To cover up for his bad acts. When my mother’s brother was smothering his infant sister my grandmother made sure his daddy didn’t find out, “because if his daddy found out he would spank him and he might run away from home.” My Uncle Monster smothered my mother from birth til she was age 7 until she would pass out until she was 7 and he was 14 when his father caught him and whaled on his butt and he quit. But he beat his wife and kids and every woman he was ever with unmercifully.

    The term “Stockholm syndrome” came from some women who were taken hostage in a bank robbery in Stockholm Sweden. When the robbers eventually gave up, the victims tried to protect the robbers, and the robbers went to prison, and one of the victims actually waited the 10 years until the robber got out of prison and MARRIED HIM. There are many cases of where victims have bonded to their captors and the term “Stockholm syndrome” has passed into our language, Patty Hearst is another example, when she was kidnapped, she actually robbed a bank with her captors. She went to prison for this but was eventually pardoned. Elizabeth Smart and Jaycee Dugard are also examples of girls who were kidnapped and did not try to escape. Abused children and abused women are frequently victims of Trauma bond or stockholm syndrome.

    • Joyce, I completely identify with your experiences and the “arrogance” that violence happened to “other people.” Hell, I came from a middle-class family with a rich history, but also an extensive history of dysfunctions.

      And, the “Stockholm Syndrome” is SO mis-named. Anyone who experiences prolonged and isolated trauma (DV&A, Eliz. Smart, People’s Temple, etc.) are conditioned to respond with the belief that “…the absence of abuse is viewed as an act of kindness…” So, when someone STOPS being violent for a few days or hours, it’s perceived as an indication that there is “some good” in the perpetrator OF the violence. And, it’s a defense mechanism that has been well-documented for decades even before the incident in Stockholm.

      “Trauma bond syndrome” makes sense to me because I lived it.

  7. Truthy you are right there. People seem to think that if a person is not violent 24/7 then they are “good” LOL Even Hitler had to sleep sometimes. LOL

    I had a patient once whose husband abused her,I made home visits because he was bed fast, couldn’t get out of bed, but he could fling a metal bed pan across the room with the accuracy of swat team sniper. I told her to tell him “I can see you are upset John, I am going to close the door for an hour and I will give you time to calm down and I will be back then” and then if he was still hateful, close the door for 4 hours and so on, and when he saw she MEANT IT he would cut the crap. But you know she never would do it, she was too trauma bonded. He finally died and she got some relief.

    My best friend of 30+years is an abused wife and I did not know it. Her husband was a construction worker and traveled. So it was carefully hidden from me. She lived in another state and we kept in touch by phone and yearly visits but until he retired I saw very little of HIM and I did not know until two years ago when I visited them and he was there and he went off on me while I was there. He wanted to isolate her and shame her, and he succeeded in doing so. It broke my heart. He also accused her of infidelity which I know is a lie. He is an alcoholic as well. Unless she outlives him she is emotionally and financially trapped since she gave up working to stay home to take care of a disabled child.

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