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Wolves in sheep’s clothing — 25 Comments

  1. I don’t like to hold the actions of one against the masses, because we all know everyone is different. How can I blame this persons mistakes on someone else? But at the same time, knowing the path I have already been down in life, you bet your sweet arse I am a lot more cautious as to who I open up to, who gets my vote of confidence and confidentiality.

    I knew a lady once who would go out to lunch with a prospective ‘friend’ to get to know them. How they treated the wait staff, spoke volumes about them. Ironically enough, I had to warn my daughter about being friends with her daughter, because some of her behavior was clearly showing her to be heading down the wrong path, full speed ahead. She was a good kid, smart, pretty and well behaved for the most part, but her choices and actions away from home or school were not often good ones. I’m not sure what happened to them, but I’m glad not to be around them anymore.

    That kind of self induced drama gets exhausting in short order. Just goes to show that wolves come in all shapes, color, sizes and vary in age too.

  2. Oh, yea, phoenix….I have seen some very young kids (10-12) who would act like little angels when someone was looking but when someone in authority wasn’t looking they were little demons.

    My own son Patrick learned to wear the wool and pull it over my eyes….and the eyes of his teachers, grandparents, etc. “mr. goody two shoes” for sure.

    The minister at my little country church, Dicke Chance (I can say his name because I have the public record evidence showing he was arrested in an on-line trolling sting for sending pictures of his “junk” to what he thought was a 14 yr old girl) had very angry sermons and never preached about the love of Jesus…only fire and brimstoone. The one time I went to him begging for help to get Ken Hamilton, convicted 3 X child molester, he turned his back on me….now I know why.

    I went to his court appearance but I was the only one from that church who was there. In my opinion they should have ALL been there, and if you tried to talk about it, it was “hush up, keep it quiet” just like the Catholic church…NOOOOOOO! DO NOT HUSH IT UP….do NOT keep quiet, the shame for the minister’s behavior is not the shame of the church, the COVER UP is the shame of the church.

    I no longer go to church there. I don’t want to be around people who keep quiet about a wolf who invaded the flock. DENOUNCE him is what I think should be done.

    I am glad to see that the schools are outing teachers who not only offend but those that cover up for the star football player who rapes a drunken girl, takes photos and puts them on the internet. Just like a small version of Penn State.

  3. Joyce, excellent article and, as always, ON TIME.

    When I was involved in the studio that I taught at, the Director acted like she was everyone’s friend. And, I mean, she was EVERYONE’S friend and was always encouraging, etc., in the presence of everyone. But, as soon as one of the people that annoyed her left the studio, she would launch on a campaign of gossip against whomever it was. And, she was cautious to never use seriously “mean” language and would always end her comments with, “But…….y’know, we gotta love _____.”

    In my warped thinking, I truly believed that I was different because she made so many compliments to me and “helped” me when I was in serious straights. Well, I wasn’t “different” to this woman, or “special.” I was just another TOOL that she used to cover her own arse and personal deficiencies, just as other people were. She used people to filter her phone calls, LIE for her (she would leave the studio at noon, for the rest of the day), and everything else.

    So…………the very crucial point of this article is observation: observing how one person treats others, excluding ourselves because WE are the observers. Keeping secrets, unpleasant remarks about others who are not there, and contempt for ANYONE that isn’t meeting THEIR criteria, are just a very few of the Red Flags. And, listening to the gut – we don’t often do that in our current culture and society. Our GUT will tell us that someone is a threat and it isn’t necessary for us to define what the threat is OR to “understand” it. If the gut is telling us to get into “flight mode,” then it behooves us to pay attention and DO IT, without question or excuses, and examine the causes of that response at a much later date.

    Thanks so much for this timely article, Joyce!

  4. I suppose We all grouse about others from time to time or gossip but you are right when you see someone who makes this a “way of life” about everyone that is definitely a red flag.

    One of the things about some offenders is that if they have a victim they abuse and that victim gets away from them…escapes…they will SMEAR that person to high heaven. We call it the “smear campaign” but…a REAL victim instead of a faux one may also talk very badly about the person who abused them. In fact, the victims of abuse may be able to only speak about that one subject for some time as they heal and process what they have experienced.

    The thing is though, that the “two faced” person who is SWEET to everyone’s face, and as soon as they are out of sight starts bashing them…you can bet your sweet bippie that when you are out of sight they bash you too. So it is a judgment call when you are assessing the situation, and I think the telling point is that the wolves are “sweet to their faces” and hateful behind their backs and it isn’t any one person, but “everyone” as you pointed out.

    You just sort of have to OBSERVE how a person treats those around them. I heard in a management course once that in order to assess a manager do not talk to his BOSS, but talk to the people who work for him. Of course he will always be NICE to the boss, but he may NOT be nice to those who work for him. Of course lilke all “rules” that one also has an exception to it. LOL

  5. “The thing is though, that the “two faced” person who is SWEET to everyone’s face, and as soon as they are out of sight starts bashing them…you can bet your sweet bippie that when you are out of sight they bash you too.”

    I was about to say the exact same thing. If they talk about one person that way, maybe there is something to it. But if they talk that way about everybody else TO you, what are they saying to everybody else ABOUT you? Not the kind of person I want or need to be around.

  6. In order to attack a prey victim, in the wild, 4-legged wolves must get close to their prey, and for this they use stealth because if the prey saw them coming they would get away, so the thing is that we must realize what “wolves” are BEFORE they have got us by the throat.

    Remember that case a year or so ago where the guy groomed the homeless mother of the little girl by offering her food etc. and then took them to Wal Mart where while the mother was “shopping” he grabbed the child and ran? Then raped and killed her. He wore the sheepskin to get a desperate mother to let her guard down.

    My Granny’s old saying of “a penny’s worth of prevention is worth a pound of cure” is truly right on in the case of wolves in sheep’s clothing. We must recognize them in advance of their attack. The problem though is that in the case of family members (especially) we are very much attached to these “wolves” emotionally and it is difficult to realize that they ARE what they ARE and to not let them close.

    I was like the poor birds whose nest was invaded by a cow bird who laid it’s egg in the stolen home of another bird and when it hatched it pushed the legitimate birdie heirs out of the nest. The poor bird parents didn’t know what kind of child they were raising.

    But especially in situations where you are say dating someone, of course they are going to be nice to you at first, they are not going on the first date and say “After we are married I will beat you up and quit my job and let you support me.” If they did that they would never get a second date. LOL Instead they put on the sheep skin and give you the love bomb and the first thing you know, your prince charming’s fangs start to show.

    When we have bonded with the “wolf” getting away is much harder because we keep on thinking that they will change.

  7. It’s one thing to gossip about your crazy neighbor or the irritating co-worker, but the biggest red flag is someone who slanders their spouse. This one is the epitome of hypocrisy and I take it as a definite sign of a disordered personality because your spouse is the person you’re supposed to love above everyone else.

    Slandering a spouse is an attempt to isolate them. The slanderer wants them to be hated by everyone who could possibly befriend them. It’s also an attempt at control. Definitely, it requires a second look at the person doing the slandering.

  8. You are so right, Skylar….seriously condemning your spouse (versus griping that he leaves the toilet seat up! LOL) is not something that I think is appropriate. If he or she is doing something bad enough to tell anyone except your most intimate friend, then there is something wrong.

    I know a woman, my son and I call her the “drama queen,” and she is in our living history group, and we love her husband, but no one can stand her. One day we had invited some casual acquaintences to our house and she and her husband were coming. the men were out back on the pistol range shooting and the women were in the house. So the Queen comes into the group, NOT knowing anyone but me, and start RAGING on her husband’s “sins” and I politely asked her to stop, when that didn’t work, I told her FIRMLY to stop and she replied “I’m just VENTING” and I said “well now is not the appropriate time to vent”. She came back with “WELL, WHAT IF I WANT TO VENT?” And I replied, “then please go somewhere else to do it, I do not want to hear it.”

    So she stopped for the time being. But she had already put a damper in the party. LOL

    I sort of have to be around this woman from time to time in order to see her husband who is a friend of my sons and myself, but I DO set boundaries for this woman and enforce them. Which sometimes is difficult because she is such a Drama Queen about any and everything. If we are in private and she is doing more than grousing about her husband leaving the toilet seat up, then I tell her “I think you and HE need to discuss this issue.” Or “well if that’s the worst fault he has (leaving the seat up) then just be glad he is there, my husband is dead and I would LOVE to come in and find the toilet seat up because he was HERE to leave it up.”

    I think we will always encounter folks with little or no boundaries on how they behave, and when those behaviors start to flow over to us, we need to set limits for them and if they do not respect them, then walk away.

    There was a time in the not too distant past that I had no problems setting boundaries with people outside my “circle of intimacy” BUT If someone was in that circle, no matter what they did to me, I did not enforce boundaries even if I set them. It was only in 2007 that I first REALLY started enforcing boundaries with friends and family. And it was a steep learning curve because when I enforced those boundaries after so many years of being a DOOR MAT to these people they tried even harder to control me.

    In studies of behavior it is shown that animals (and we are animals) that if a behavior is reinforced intermittently rather than continually, that the animal will continue to do the behavior thinking that “well I didn’t get a reward last time, but I get one every now and then so the NEXT TIME I will be rewarded” That is why people put money into a SLOT MACHINE, it is “intermittent rewards” and of course on average you lose money every time you play because the house takes a big percentage of all the money that is put in and only a portion is returned to the player,,,,but each player thinks “Next time”

    A friend of mine who has been NC with her ex husband for years told me the other day that HE CALLED AGAIN….and she heard his voice and just hung up and didn’t say a word. She asked if it would be better to just let him talk and lay the phone down and walk away. I told her that what he sought was ATTENTION and that in the past he had gotten iit from her (even negative attention is attention) so he would always keep trying because he can NOT stand to not be in control. But saying a single word before hanging up would give him a “reward” of that attention. That’s why NC is essentially TORTURE to them. It is the ultimate SHUNNING and withholding attention. They are frustrated. A “Normal” person if you don’t speak to them and make it plain you have no desire to speak to them, does NOT stalk you or keep on calling for years or even decades, trying to get your atteniton. they respect the boundary you have set even if they do not like it.

    The stalker personality will not leave you alone for too long.

  9. Thanks Joyce for the last comment.

    I am certainly hoping and will continue to hope that the stalking inflicted on me will stop one day, and realistically, I think it might, in time.

    I see stalking behaviours in cluster Bs as evidence of the extent to which these types are heavily dependent on others, without whom they have to confront their essential emptiness. Of course , they have no spiritual life to draw on. The other side of the coin wIth PDs is the sudden discard, of course. I think both stalking and discarding are both about objectifying and denying the other’s autonomy, feelings and rights.

    I maintain no contact without emotion, in the same way as I brush my teeth. It has to be done, it’s a part of my self-care. I can’t and don’t speculate about the impact of this on him . His stalking is not directly related to me at all. It’s just about him.

    The comments above on spouses who routinely criticise and demean their partner are very interesting of course for anyone who has been fed the red flag lines about ”the wife who does not understand” as part of the love-bombing routine. It’s immediately reveals you are dealing with a person without any integrity.

  10. Very good comments Rhiannon, especially about the No Contact and NO emotion about it. Just like brushing your teeth isn’t an emotional act, it just has to be done. VERY good analogy. Thanks.

  11. There’s been a lot of stuff in the news lately about Josh Dugger, who molested at least 5 young women including some of his sisters, and admits this “mistake”—what makes me furious is this is NOT A MISTAKE, it was a CHOICE and trying to call it a “mistake” is to try to trivialize the acts he did.

    The trying to COVER UP these acts by his parents and the judge is akin to the Penn State cover up I think. The DESTRUCTION OF THE ORIGINAL RECORDS by the police, ordered by a JUDGE for goodness sakes should knock that judge off the bench and into a jail cell.

    Advertisers and TV networks are dropping these people even as I type…as they should. I never liked or admired them, and felt that their cranking out children by the dozen and being proud of it when there are kids needing homes was a poor choice. Their “Bible thumping” was also a turn off. I’m a Christian but I don’t hold myself up as some saint and I think they tried to hold themselves up as “better than” the rest of the world, more holy, but turns out they are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Here’s an article about the circumstances of the case against Josh that I found interesting as well. His crimes are NOT “alleged” they are ADMITTED FACTS.


  12. Isn’t this “interesting” the cop who quashed Josh dugger’s molestation listed his on line interests as “kinki kids”–sort of reminds me of the minister who sided with the convicted pedophile, Kenneth G. Hamilton, Jr. against me, and was later himself arrested for trying to have sex with a “girl” he met online who he thought was 14..she was actually a 40 year old Deputy sheriff who met him at the motel that day. Here’s the article about the guy who let dugger off.


    • Joyce, the whole scandalous business about the Dugger family comes as NO surprise to me, whatsoever. I have very specific views on that whole thing, and it begins with making the obscenity of producing a HERD of offspring into entertainment.

      WHY is the Dugger family and their reproductive insanity such a source of entertainment, and WHO decided that it would be a great theme for a program? Oh…….this comes from the same network that airs “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” and “Dance Moms.” TLC used to be an acronym for “The Learning Channel.” What are we learning from these programs?

      Then, it follows that ANY dynamic that would encourage, allow, and support a human female to produce (at last count) over 20 children in her reproductive life that it is a TOTALLY MISOGYNISTIC environment – the only use that women have is to reproduce and take care of as many offspring as possible. WHAT would have happened if the Duggan matriarch had been barren? What if she had only been able to bring forth 3 offspring? WHAT IF her obstetrician had told her, “You should not have any more children or you’ll be putting your health in danger?” What then? Would she have been booted to the curb, or would The Mister have gone on and lived a normal life?

      Life is cheap in the Duggan household – if one goes rotten, you can just make another one. UGH………..eugh…………..nasty, nasty, NASTY. And the matriarch’s v-a-gina must resemble Stargate – they just emerge, one after another. EUGH.

  13. Truthy, I agree…and BTW she IS putting her life at risk with each new baby as what is known as “elderly” moms, (over 40 and/or moms with greater than 5 children) are at risk of death or other serious complications.

    You know, they complain if a school classroom has 20+ kids…what about a “family” with that many kids, it is called an “orphanage” or a “group home”—and you know there is no way a parent can effectively have “quality time” with 20 kids. So in most huge families the older kids raise the younger ones. I know a lady with 8 kids who is a great parent to all her kids, but she works at it 24/7 and she’s turned out some great kids in spite of the fact her now ex husband is a full on psychopath.

    But anytime someone holds themselves up as some “holier than thou” family or person, I tend to suspect that is really NOT THE CASE down under the surface.

    I almost laughed when I saw the article about the former state trooper being in prison for kiddie porn (to get that long a sentence, it must have been he was making it I’ll check on the case that sent him up) just underscores WHY he gave the kid a pass, just like now former minister Dickie Chance gave Ken Hamilton a pass,

    I thought the first article was a good one. The other two just sort of add to the story.

    • Joyce, where Michelle Duggar is concerned, I cannot imagine anyone producing 20 children in this day, and age. The Duggars do not have a tremendous farm or ranch or TRUE business outside of the previous obligations for the stupid reality show. There was no need or reason to produce THAT many children. There just wasn’t. And, I thoroughly agree that neither parent provides quality time with each of those kids. It’s impossible. EVEN if each child received 1/2 hour of one-on-one time with one of their parents, each day, that would require 5 hours each day for one parent to provide half of those children with the necessary time. If Michelle were fulfilling those children’s needs on a personal basis, it would never, ever, ever end for her. The only time that s-ex would occur would be while she was sleeping! Or, doing the laundry. Or, only-gawd-knows. It’s obscene to me to make their lifestyle into “entertainment.”

      With regard to the trooper doing time for kiddie p-orn, I can say that those with “power” are the WORST offenders, of all. The second ex used our “family” camera to take HUNDREDS of graphic photographs of his dominatrix and him engaging in graphic s-exual acts. I found this on his computer with the imagery reflecting the code for our “family” camera……….EW. And, he is STILL pretending to suddenly be a devout church member, etc. Well, that’s not going to last long because THAT kind of behavior just cannot be ended. He is addicted to violent imagery, deviant behavior, and lies. JUST LIKE THE TROOPER.

      Wolves in sheep’s clothing, indeed. eugh……..

      • Strict aside………..Michelle Duggar received Arkansas’ “Mother Of The Year” award several years ago when she already had 14 kids. Jeeeeezuz……

  14. As this whole sordid scandal surrounding the Duggar family evolves, I think that this subject might require its own discussion: secrets.

    Keeping secrets is what dysfunctional families do best. Secrets, elaborations, dismissals, pretenses……….and, a host of other very negative behaviors are hallmarks of dysfunction. And, what is worse about the specifics of the Duggar family is that there is now a “family outcry” of, “WHY won’t you LEAVE US ALONE?!” This audacious plea coming from people who sold their virtual souls to participate in a “reality” television program? How DYSFUNCTIONAL is THAT?

    I know that my own family kept secrets and did a great deal of acting and pretending. In fact, I became such a good actress (literally) that I once considered practicing the craft of acting. I was able to change into whatever someone required of me to “keep the peace.” I played ALL of the roles in my family, and I more-or-less adopted the “victim” as my own personality.

    When I began contemplating the release of all of my anger, hatred, and baggage, I was terrified. I “said” that I was terrified of “losing control” and never coming back if I began to express my anger, sadness, etc. But, what I was TRULY afraid of was the void that I believed would be left if I excised all of that dead matter out of my personality. Who would I be, after that? What would be left of me? Would I be left as a shell of a human being?

    The secrets kept the fantasy alive, even though I knew as clearly as the sun would rise the next day that I was living a lie. I pretended. I kept the secrets. And, I guarded them with ferocity – just say that my first husband, Victor, was an abusive man or “bad guy,” and I would bristle and defend him while ignoring the purple bruises beneath the clothing that neatly hid the marks. Yes, I surely DID pretend.

    This is what the Duggars are doing, have done, and will continue to do: PRETEND. There is no earthly reason for any person to produce one child every year for half of their lifetime in THIS day and age. I’ve mentioned this, before, that the Duggars do not have a huge farm or business that requires family members to run it. There is something dreadfully amiss with any couple in these modern times who purposely produce such a huge brood. It’s expensive, it’s time-consuming, it’s hard on one’s body (NOT Mr. Duggar, of course), and it’s DEMEANING to the woman and her offspring.

    Joyce made a very good point that the younger children are being raised by their older siblings, and NOT their biological mother. How can the mother provide ANY of her offspring with any meaningful time when she is either preoccupied with her current pregnancy, busy delivering another infant, or picking out another name for her offspring? What kind of life do these people have?

    Mr. Duggar is a Grand Patriarch whose virility is indisputable, given the number of his progeny. But, what does this say about HIS view of women? Are they simply objects that accept s-exual activities as a means to reproduce? Are women meant to be used up in the process of reproduction until their bodies finally give out? What does any of this say about Pastor Duggar? How has this man provided quality care and necessities for all of these family members on a Pastor’s salary? This last question is something to seriously contemplate because I have my own theories that he is so persuasive that he conned his congregation and other well-meaning individuals out of services, necessities, food, clothing, and financial assistance. Let’s all contemplate how WE were each conned out of something meaningful to us by persuasive family members, friends, or associates. How easy would it be to just mention that children #’s 8, 11, and 15 needed orthodontic care?

    The fact is that the Duggar family has kept their own secrets over these many years, and none of us have any business even pretending to be shocked or surprised that there are skeletons in their pious closets! It is my personal belief that, as matters unfold, there will be more and more appalling behaviors and deeds that have been committed by members of this “family.” I believe that these parents are, indeed, wolves in sheep’s clothing and the true victims are their offspring, their congregation, and anyone who has contributed to help raise these children.

    Okay……………rant, over.

    • ………..well, not quite over, yet.

      I wanted to mention another thing to contemplate with regard to how the public is viewing the whole scandal.

      Ever since that horrible program aired, the Duggar family had been interviewed and hailed as amazing people by talk shows, magazines, and other media. Pastor Duggar was anointed The Most Amazing Father while his worn-out wife, Michelle, was honored as a 100% positive role model for modern women and mothers. “How can you divide your time and still enjoy an active s-ex life with your husband?” Everyone acted as if they were amazed…….nobody dared to mention how dysfunctional the whole scenario was because the husband was a Man Of God and preaching the Gospels.

      Yes. It would serve us well for each and every one of us to contemplate this whole mess under a microscope of truth, facts, and common sense. This should serve as a learning experience, at the very least.

  15. Truthy, my son Michael knows a man who works for the Duggars on their show as a technician (I guess he is out of a job now) and he does not like the older kids or the parents at all.

    Personally I can not handle ANYONE holding themselves out as some paragon of virtue above the rest of us…just like that trooper and the minister that took the side of Kenneth Hamilton (a 3 x convicted pedophile) against me, turned out Dickie Chance was ALSO a pedophile and got caught sending pix of his “junk” to what he thought was a 14year old girl, who turned out to be a county sheriff’s deputy. They stick together, and other folks cover up for them. Don’t want to “bring shame” on the family/church/football program.

    That ex state trooper is doing 56 years in Arkansas prisons, the first time he got caught he got a fairly light sentence, but then he violated parole and got more dirty pictures and is now back essentially for LIFE. As he should be. Pedophiles do not change. The latest research shows that their brains are HARD WIRED DIFFERENT. Yet there are those who have that desire who REFRAIN from acting on it. I do think, however, that many pedophiles are ALSO psychopaths.

    Anyway, I think those that covered up for the incidents are worse than the kid who did it. I think they should all bear the consequences of their actions in covering it up, it goes to show that they aren’t as “holy” as they pretend to be. KEEP THE FAMILY SECRETS, and I think we’ve many of us been there, but no longer.

    • Joyce, I was very good at keeping secrets. I was taught that lying about my mother and her alcoholism was “acceptable” because it was done to protect the family’s integrity. ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!! Integrity? Isn’t that the opposite of deception?

      SO, yes…….when anyone presents a super-pious persona, I am on immediate alert. We all make mistakes, and we are all human beings – bar, none. When anyone presents themselves as if they have never made a mistake, don’t make mistakes, and will never make a mistake, they are PRETENDING.

      Some things are nobody’s business – like, how much income I have, etc. Only certain agencies “need” that information. I don’t discuss my past with anyone, anymore, either. But, when I make a mistake or do something that causes problems for other people, I stand accountable and that’s it. And, I don’t pretend to be something that I am not, anymore. I am okay, and okay is good enough for me.

      In his book, “Healing The Shame That Binds You,’ John Bradshaw discusses how toxic shame creates different behavioral issues, and building pretenses is one of them. I HID behind my secrets and pretenses for nearly all of my life, and it is no wonder that I kept choosing toxic people, doing very toxic things to myself, and simply BEING a toxic person, as well. Once all of that dark matter was brought to th surface and examined under the light of day, I realized that I don’t need or want to pretend, anymore. It’s too much of a burden.


  16. Truthy, I totally agree with your above post,. and secrets were the name of the game in my family as well. But, like you I no longer keep shame secrets…and I no longer feel the shame for the behavior of others.

    You are right, not everyone should have all the information about me and for those people who it is none of their business I do NOT share those things with them, but it is not the same as “keeping secrets”

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